A music ad.

Note: Some things are edited out for privacy reasons.

"Hello! 

Music has always meant so much to me since the day I was born. It has become a part of me already. Now after graduating school (music) I have felt lost the whole time, thinking of what I really want to do with my life. The only thing I could ever think of doing is music. I feel like it's the only thing I really am capable of. The only thing that I really know and really can do. I've tried other things but I never really felt the joy, the warmth. But with music I get to feel that. I feel complete and it's my biggest pasion. I could never live without music and I have to do something about it, I realised. Many people have said to me that I got this thing going, and that I should never, ever stop. They really meant it, and I could feel it and see it in their eyes. I have "it," whatever it is. I believe these people and I want to believe in myself. I just don't know where to start, so I thought of writing something here. I thought this would be my "start." We have to start somewhere, and here I am. 

Anyways, thank you for taking your time. 
Message me if there's anything you'd like to say."

One beautiful reply from a random person:

"Hi there,  Just had to respond to your very touching heartfelt message. I know exactly how you feel as I've been there and I'm still there in a sense.  I'm a singer/songwriter/guitarist who has struggled to make it in music biz and I've gone down roads I probably shouldn't have done.  But the show must go on and if music's in your bones it's what you have to try and make a success of without.  I'm happy to give you some advice and ideas which can help you.  I'm not pretending I can wave a magic wand and make all your dreams come true but I think I could give you some good guidance which might save you a lot of time and heartache!  Your voice is great by the way and you're obviously a very sweet girl so I would love to help you.  All the best - don't give up!" This made me truly happy today and this simply means that I am not all alone in this. I feel very touched. I've received more replies but this one was very touching, indeed.  I've been feeling down since yesterday, until now to be honest. I just feel like I belong somewhere else, and I need to follow my heart. I need to do something, I really need to do. I have talked to one of my closest cousins who's currently in the US. I never thought we would have this chat about moving together somewhere else. We're both very open to anything right now, and we really want to find where we really belong. She feels like she wants to be in Korea, but it does not mean she doesn't want to try the UK. I really hope we'll work this out.  I was supposed to do things last night, but instead, I went to bed. I just felt weak, I felt sad, I felt helpless. I was chatting with a friend about it, but I just couldn't help but cry 'til I fell asleep. I felt like I lost all my energy because of this sadness. I don't want to use the word depressed, but I think I am. I am depressed. I woke up around 9 and still felt the same. I almost cried again. Mama and I went to church and I had the chance to play the piano again. I played non-stop, it felt good. My body felt very warm and it felt heavy. I felt like all the weight were in my fingers. My fingers just continued playing and I felt like I was in my own little bubble. I was almost in the point of bursting into tears.  Lord, help me. Lead me. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Am I Weird

I was browsing videos and suddenly found videos about prodigies. I was teary-eyed! These little people with beautiful minds. It's just so moving. I wish more young gifted people would get help to make this world a better place.


So the time is 00:04, and I am studying French. I finally have time to study this wonderful language again. It would be really great to master this beautiful language.

I have noticed one thing about myself though. You know what I said about not many people understanding me? It's true, indeed. And I also feel that I cannot talk to people my age so much because ... I don't know why but it feels like I think differently. I enjoy talking to older people more, it feels like I can communicate better that way. It's also a very good thing when I learn things from them, things I never know about.

Sometimes, I feel like crying. Like, right now. I feel like I am not good at anything except from expressing myself. It feels like the only thing I am really good at is expressing how I feel, whether it is through music, art or whatever it is. I feel like the only thing I could ever do is this and if I do something else, I would not succeed. Have you ever felt this way? :-/


This is a good article by the way.

Listening to Chopin at the moment. He's one of my favorite composers ever.

People. Sick. People. Sick People.

I feel a little bit indisposed today. Menstrual cramps, I hate it.
I haven't done so much today. Been watching Work of Art and crying like a baby. Some of their works just touched me. It touched my heart. I hope they'll continue what they're doing. Art is a very wonderful thing. We need to promote art, we need it in our lives. I've also read an article about people having intercourse with animals and I couldn't help but cry, I had to go to the bathroom and cry there. I didn't want people to see me cry. It's just so cruel. These powerless creatures. I'm really, really sad.

Just finished painting something random a while ago though. I've been watching too much Work of Art, got inspired to do something. A little pop artsy, and it isn't a good painting since I almost never paint. I am not good at drawing either, I'm not good at art at all, but I really am very interested in anything art. I love art galleries, I love watching people do art, I love watching art shows, and so on. I probably can show you this pop art that I made someday :)

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The time is now 2:55. Just finished watching Work of Art, Season 2 and the latest TVD episode. So now, as usual, I have noticed that this is what keeps me awake at night the most. My creativity. All of these ideas and thoughts I have about music, art and everything just pops up when it's bed time. I'm lying awake in bed, staring at the walls, windows, ceiling and all I can think of is "do something creative! Do it! Or else I won't let you sleep!" Something like that. So yeah, diary, what do you think I do late at night? Oh well, sometimes I am forced to get out of bed and do myself a makeover and take photographs of myself and make these photographs cool. Yes, this is true. All for the love of photography. And right now I must say that I have so many ideas of the themes I would like to have on my future photoshoots. I want some action in my photos, some eerieness to it, something that would make the viewer feel something. Sorrow, fear, happiness or something like that. I want to take powerful photos. This must happen. Soon I hope. I have been praised of my photos and I am really thankful and glad for that. I am not trained at all, I am self-taught. I believe that if you really have what it takes, the magic just happens. There are many people who appreciate and adore my work and this inspires me to do more and more and more. This means I've got something going on. I just have to believe in myself. And I do this because I want to. I love doing this and I'm not doing this for anyone else. I just really appreciate that people appreciate what I am doing. So anyway, I also draw or paint late at night. Or write in my little notebook. Write lyrics, poems or something. Write a story and never finish it, haha. I was also thinking how great and fun it would be to have your own "ateljé" ! I just thought of it eversince I have started watching Work of Art. I just realised how wonderful it would be to have a big white room where you can work and draw and paint and do all your art and then design them and install them! How rad! Now this room is officially added to the future rooms I have in mind in my future house. :-) 

Drawing Room

Dining Room

Kitchen

Master's Bedroom

Toilet/Shower Room

Art Studio

Music Studio

Gym

Library Card

Jahaaadu. Hej! Here I am! I'm superman!

So today I picked up my brother and it was quite cold, I must say. I met Johannes in the library and we took a look at the photography that was there. I bought a cute shirt for a friend and I hope she receives it before Christmas! I also met my friend Dennis. I let him borrow my Hendrix book and I hope he takes care of it very well. I really think he should read it! We strolled around the mall and I took him to the secondhand boutique that he never knew of, he said.

 Finally, after 5 years owning a library card, I finally used it! Haha! Here's  a book about the rock band KISS which I've decided to borrow. And oh, tea, of course. I'm sure you've met my tea before.

 

BY THE WAY! I can't get enough of Work of Art: The Next Great Artist! I can't even help my tears when they've created something beautiful and just all the feelings I get when everything is wonderful! I like Ryan Shultz, he's quite funny and has this funny laugh. He has this cute hairdo and I love the way he dresses. It's so fun and interesting how artists do their art. I love this show! Why haven't I seen it before!?

Random thoughts going on in my head right now

Right now I feel like I need a cup of tea. It's soothing, it's relaxing to drink something hot in this cold weather, you know what I'm sayin'? Haha.

Add a little milk to it. Mmmm! Though for me it depends on what kind of tea I am drinking. If it's something minty, for instance, then I prefer it without milk.

 

Now I've had this conversation  with a friend and he thought I was funny. I haven't really thought about what I was saying, I just had to let it out. Know what I'm sayin'? Haha!

Me: I badly want a bicycle. I have an old rose pink paint in case I need to paint the bike.

I want a bicycle that I will love forever. 

He was like: You have very cute plans!

I was like: I want to bike. I am concerned with the environment. :-)

He was like: Wants a bike, wants to paint it, and love it like a baby. Has planned it. Such a cute plan!

I was like: It's true! I have the paint in my drawer. I have bought it months ago but haven't used it yet. I want to use it for the right one and I believe it will be the bike.

He was like: Hahaha! Waiting for the right one. I'm laughing here. Stop being so cute! "A girl and her bike - a love story."

- Haha, I don't know what's going on but I just badly want a bicycle right now. I want a big one where I can put many things. A basket is a must, and the colour has to be a colour that I fancy. 

I thought this photo was very nice. I can't find any information about the photographer. :-(

Something like this have I in mind.

My LSS (Last Song Syndrome) right now is an old song by the band Two Door Cinema Club called What You Know. Very catchy, can't help my legs from dancing!

So I'm watching old episodes of Downton Abbey right now. As I told you, my dear diary, I miss Downton! I miss it, I miss it, I miss it! I want a new episode now! :(

And why do I have to be crushing on Thomas Barrow?! One of the most evil ones! He's so cute, look at that!

 

I honestly cried when I saw him crying in some of the episodes. My heart couldn't take it. I couldn't bear to see him cry. It just feels so weird to see him cry because he hardly ever cries! He's a villain, remember?! Not all the time but most of the time. I cried when he was crying all alone in his room, after the James incident. :( I could not help my tears either when he cried when Lady Sybil died. Oh, poor Thomas! *BIG HUG* Just kidding! Ok, I'm not kidding. I really want to give you a hug. Accept it.

The catastrophe in the Philippines is very horrible right now. Let us help them! I was in tears when I was watching the news with my mother. Here is a song dedicated to all of them, and to those who died - may you all rest in peace.

                                               

Lookie

01:16

Hello. I miss Downton Abbey right now (again). I think I will watch the old seasons now, to cheer myself up a little bit, at least. :(   I've been drawing today, and it was not a beautiful drawing, really. I still managed to finish it though. What have I done today? Nothing much, really. Woke up 11:30-ish, had breakfast, read books, drew things on my drawing book, watched YouTube videos, watched different films and did not finish them, and now I am planning to either watch an old Downton Abbey episode or read a book and look up the words I've never heard of. By the way, I have this thing called Lookbook. I'm new to this website so I'm trying to fix good quality photos to post! Everyone is so fashionable in this site, so if you're someone who's into fashion and has fashion as one of your biggest passions, or if you just like to check out different clothing styles and probably get some inspiration? Then this website is for you! Haha, I sound like a commercial on tv or radio or something. :-(  I will need to write down my Lookbook here in case I forget that I have Lookbook. Haha!

Here are some of the looks I've posted that I actually wear in my everyday life.

Good ol' friend

Hello, hello, and hello.

My day has been terrific. I was with a good ol' friend named Jessica. It's been ages! I missed her. We walked around and took some photos then we decided to eat lunch @ King's Arms. She surprised me by treating me for lunch. How kind of her! I had grilled potatoes and schnitzel with some veggies. The potatoes were fantastic! Schnitzel was okay. Here's me and Jessica:

 

Anyway,  before I left home this morning, my mother told me some crazy things going on that her brother told her about. It was gut-wrenching and I just felt like punching the wall. People have gone insane and darkness is dominating. It is dominating people's hearts and minds. These people have gone blind and it seems that their senses are all gone. They are like puppets moving around. The only thing they react to is when they hear the word "money" and all they do is make others' lives miserable. And the one last place you could ever imagine full of darkness is the place they call "church." The church of God, but not really. It's the church of darkness, where darkness prevails. It makes me  so angry, and I condole with my uncle. He's a good man, I think I know it. My mother speaks very kindly of him. I trust my mother. I do not have much money as I am only a student, but giving him my last money was the only thing I could do. He could not do anything at all, he has got nothing. No one could help, no one could give. I can imagine how powerless that could make one feel. All he does is sit in his room all day, desolating himself. God bless him and everyone in that house. If I were my granny, I would think this way: church is just a building. It's not the most important thing. The MOST important thing is your faith. Your relationship with your God. What's the point of going to a "church" full of wickedness? They are all using her and this must stop. My mother told me that the only time my uncle feels joy is when he hears music. When he listens to music. I know he can play the guitar, but he has none. Imagine yourself feeling helpless and there's nothing you could do but  sit in a depressing room all day -- how wonderful would it have been with some music to make your soul feel alive? How wonderful would it have been to sit there with, at least, a guitar as your one and only outlet? I really believe he would have been the happiest. Music is something that lifts up our soul and he needs this, I know. How I wish I could give him a guitar right now, but it's not that easy. World has gone deranged, that I am quite sure of.

Art!

I just had to put this up because it touched me. It gave me goosebumps.

How fantastic is this? I couldn't help but drop a tear. Amazing, really. Thank you. Not only you, but everyone out there doing the same thing. A BIG LOVE to all the artists, musicians, writers, designers, and all of you guys, you know who you are. Thank you for sharing your gifts with the world. I'm not the best when it comes to art. I draw sometimes. I can and I honestly think I was better when I was little. I've just got involved with music more but sure I still appreciate art, very much! Everything about art speaks to me. I love art. I love music. I love theatre, dance and all of these things. Things that will let you express yourself and be you in your own little world.

23:57

The time is 23:57. Nope, I haven't been awake the whole time. I just woke up, actually. It was supposed to be a 30-minute nap which turned into a two-(or probably three)hour sleep.

I think I am going to work on my literature stuff. The Talented Mr. Ripley is interesting. I have read it and now I think I'm going to watch the film. I was lying awake for a moment before I decided to move my arse and sit here. I was thinking of Downton Abbey. I was wondering if they had released a new episode and I need to check it out later. This would be a perfect and lovely treat for me since I'll be working hard tonight. I'll be back later for new updates. So long, sweetest online diary!


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02:26
Hello. Back. I honestly am scared of Tom Ripley right now. Seriously, he's out of his mind! How could one do such a thing? He gives me the creeps. I wonder if there's someone out there similar to this man. That would be creepy, reeeeally creepy. I hope I won't bump into a person like Tom.  Anyway, been listening to some jazz music. Oh yes, the roaring 20s! I checked Downton Abbey by the way. A new episode is up!!! Can't wait. I will be watching it later in the morning when I wake up. 

"Aesthete"

I did not come to the movie night my friends were having tonight. I just felt like I wanted to stay at home and study and feel cozy in my bed and just . . . just . . . just read books. Right now I am checking out some music that I want to have in my music player. This is important, okay? I need music whenever I go out. As soon as I step out of the door, I need to be ready. Like a girl scout, you know? I need to have good earphones, and good sound quality it must be. The sound is very important too, okay? As someone who plays music, sound quality is very important. I hope you comprehend, my dear online-ish diary.

Minutes ago, I watched a video of people dancing very beautifully. Gracefully, altogether. I almost cried, the tears were almost there. Why am I always like this? I always cry to things that are beautiful, specifically creative, artistic, aesthetic things, you know? I just can't help it. I am always like this. Whatever it is I see - someone acting, someone dancing, someone playing music, someone singing, someone drawing/painting, someone filming something beautiful, someone . . . just someone doing something beautiful that touches my heart and soul! I guess that is why they call me an aesthete. Can I help it? I can't. This is me.

Now I shall proceed looking up good music. I miss Downton Abbey. I hope a new episode comes out soon. I am planning to buy some book related to Downton Abbey, still deciding which book. Today I've ordered 3 new books. 2 Jane Austen's and 1 entitled Little Women. Looking forward to receiving these books. I honestly feel that classic books are more fun to read. I enjoy them more, that's what counts. Also, I feel like I learn more from them than 'contemporary' books. I am sure I'm not alone in this. There must be people out there feeling and thinking the same way.

Here is how I looked like last time. I love my coat. My hat has always been a part of me, nothing new.

Read, read and read

I have been reading the book The Fault In Our Stars and I am on page 132 now. It went quite fast! I enjoy it so far. First of all, I like the simplicity of the book cover. Simple and cute letterings. The book is making me laugh, giggle and sad so far. I love how one of the main characters, Hazel, loves reading books. I can relate to her! Only that I am not suffering from any disease. I can't wait to finish the book. I have read many good reviews about this book and I hope it meets my expectations. :-)