Writing a song

I just wrote a song and I was trying to come up with good melodies and I came up with this one and it just brought me to tears while I was singing it. The lyrics and the music together just made me feel... I don't know, it made me feel emotional and it made me realise how much I need this, how much I want this and that I really feel that I have something going on and I should never ever stop. Music is my life. What the heck. My tears don't want to stop streaming down my face. You know I was out with Sissi two days ago (Monday) and I haven't been out in ages. I only had one glass of wine and I felt like going home afterwards because I couldn't stand being there. I'm not used to it anymore. I felt bad being there and not making music. I felt bad being there instead of writing songs. When I came home I had to sit down and make music right away.

Havredryck

Yesterday: 

You have the coziest embrace ever. 

Let's keep it friendly and professional, shall we? You think I'm a good musician and you believe in me and you believe that we can help each other reach our goals. That's lovely. You're the sweetest! 

The band: 5 booked, 1 arrived. Girl. Yeah. Some people suck. I had a lovely time with the girls though. Ullis is so funny. Vi är som FIRECRACKERS! hahaha. And I was like: OOHJA! Eller NUTCRACKERS?! ahahaha. She was laughing out loud on the train. 

So what am I gonna do today? I think im gonna go shopping ! I'm going home to visit mom this Friday so. 

So good morning, kind of

Time is 7 pm. I had a two-hour nap. Lol. I think I am going to make some dinner soon. Yesterday I met up with a sound technician friend. It's been ages! Mga 2 years ko na yata siyang hindi nakita. We went to a music store and one thing I liked about this music store was that I could play drums! Sa isang madalas kong pinupuntahan hindi pwede e. Kaya ang saya, I couldn't stop playing the drums ang sayaaaa nakaka-miss. Wala kasi dito 'yung drumset ko e. :(
Last night was fun. Nag-message pala itong friend ko ng maaga na mag-fika daw kami. E hindi naman ako naka-logged in sa Facebook kaya hindi ko nakita 'yun. Late ko na nakita, gabi na. Pero nagkita pa rin kami and decided to have wine and play music together. I was there around 22:00 and I didn't dare to go home late so I stayed. We even managed to make a song and record it a little, haha. And we were a little intoxicated. I played the piano as soon as I woke up and the sun was on my face as I sat there and played. It was wonderful. Then I had to travel back home and had something quick to eat. Fixed myself then off I went to be the day's tour guide. Haha. An aussie friend from London is here for the weekend. Staying somewhere in Solna. Never been there but yeah so we walked a lot and took pictures. It's funny 'cause I was supposed to be the tour guide but I sucked at it and he seemed to know better. Hahaha. We had lunch somewhere in Old Town. I decided to have salmon, potatoes and sallad. :-) It was tasty. I had to leave him around 3 because i was super exhausted. But here I am now, recharged ! :-D I'm so hungry. Need to Grab something to eat. Can't stop thinking of the song we made last night though. It was beautiful. My friend sang beautifully. Everything was just... beautiful. The weather, the night, the sky, the stars, the music, the voice, the lights, and the way he stared at my guitar. Hahaha. XD

I visited an art gallery btw ! It was wonderful.

Dad

I'm on the subway right now. I can't help my tears. The man who sat close to me looked like my dad. Now I feel sad. :( 

I miss my dad. 

Muscle pain, soreness, and aches

Ouuuch! Tough workout today. Been running and jogging and jumping for like an hour and a half. I am soooo tired but just to get all that done is so satisfying. It felt so good afterwards and the water was taaaasty. The shower was amazing too. Haha. Now I'm in bed and I'm going to sleep soon. I might meet up with a friend from London tomorrow. Not sure yet. I'm gonna go and buy an mp3-player so I have to visit the city tomorrow, and probably will meet up with a friend too. By the way, I had to order a new pair of running shoes! Better running shoes. I mean, my Nike shoes are great shoes, it's just that they're not suitable for running I realised. I'm so dumb for buying them I just thought they looked gorgeous but actually not suitable for my intensive running, haha! So I think I am gonna give them to my Mom. I have only used them once anyway. My new pair is perfect though and I can't wait for it to come! Asics! I've heard and read they're really good sport shoes. They're one of the best in the market right now. I hope these shoes won't disappoint me. Hihi. I can't wait to run in them!

Tanghaling tapat.

I wish I could tell him this  but I don't really feel like talking to him right now and I don't think it would be a good idea to do that so I'm just gonna write it down here.

If it wasn't for the drama, I probably would have stayed. But he was being too dramatic, I couldn't take it anymore. Ilang araw akong hindi nakatulog ng maayos kakaisip and I was feeling bad the whole time because he was so distant, and I didn't know what he really wanted, what he had in mind, ayaw na ba niya sa akin, and then suddenly he was saying hurtful things to me. The way he said these things pa made me feel like I was such a bad person and I should stop being me. Or should stop existing. Parang hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema niya. Parang feeling ko hindi lang niya ako mai-diretso pero parang may gusto siyang sabihin. Iniisip ko rin kung ano 'yung gusto niya talagang sabihin na 'yun. Kung may mga gusto pala siyang i-suggest for the better, why not idiretso na lang niya ako at sabihin lahat para hindi nagkakalabuan, hindi ba? Naguluhan na talaga ako. Isa pa, parang feeling ko minsan hindi niya tanggap kung sino ako. 'Yung pagkatao ko. Minsan ewan ko ba pero parang he has something against me. 'Di ko alam kung bakit ganoon ang nararamdaman ko. Ang masakit pa e siya pa, siya pang gustung-gusto ko. Minsan iniisip ko if it has something to do with what we do. With our art? I dunno, really. I mean, he's into poetry and he's undeniably good at it. He knows what he does. He knows his art. I, on the other hand, like poetry but I'm not good at it. I do music and photography. Ito naman ang art ko. Magkaiba man kami ng art e naa-appreciate ko pa rin ng malaki ang art niya and I adore his poetry. I admire him as a poet. And I tried my best to understand him and his ways, you know. Him being a poet, being an artist, being a creative. I just wished he understood me and my ways as well. I can't deny, I liked him a lot. So much. I loved him. Do you think we're not meant for each other, diary? It's sad. Sometimes I'm thinking if it has something to do with his insecurities as well and us being far away from each other? I mean, that could make you feel insecured, right? I know this feeling because I've had a long distance relationship too and I've learned that being strong is the way to go. Trust and communication is crucial, otherwise it won't work. Nasasayangan ako sa amin. The thing we had. To be honest, I've never had a relationship with anyone from where he is. Nahihirapan kasi ako makahanap ng taong compatible kami, lalo na sa mga taga-doon. Walang gaanong nakakaintindi sa akin doon. Walang masyadong ganoon ka-creative o nakakaintindi sa mga arts. Siya 'yung napili ko kasi he was so different, and so cool and so good at what he's doing. He writes beautifully. He uses words like no one does. Parang linalaro lang niya 'yung mga words kasi parang kilala niya silang lahat. Parang lahat sila may pangalan, pinangalanan niya. Anyway, napagod lang talaga ako sa drama and I didn't want to feel bad again, dahil kakagaling ko lang sa phase na 'yun. Parang hindi pa ako ready na maulit muli. Ngayong wala na kami, mag-fo-focus na lang ulit ako sa mga ginagawa ko. Sa music, sa pagsusulat ng mga kanta, sa banda, sa mga kaibigan at mahal ko sa buhay.

Ingat!

Tagalog ulit ang entry na ito.

Naggi-gitara ako kanina. Ine-edit ko na lang 'yung lyrics ng kantang sinulat ko. Tagalog 'yun. Tingin ko 'yung ginamit kong chords doon bagay na bagay siya sa kanta. Bagay siya doon sa nilalaman ng kanta. Ni-record ko rin saglit sa telepono at sa kompyuter ko para mapakinggan ko ulit mamaya. So, saan ko nakuha ang inspirasyon noong sinulat ko itong kanta? Ganito kasi 'yun, nagbabasa-basa ako ng kung anu-ano sa internet, tapos may nakita akong tragic na pangyayari. Mag-kasintahan sila, 'yung lalake namatay. Totoong nangyari 'to, at nung kailan lang nangyari. Bata pa sila, mga nasa 20s. Nakakalungkot, pati ako nadala talaga ng lungkot nila. Naiisip ko kasi kung ako 'yung nasa sapatos ng babaeng 'yun. Parang ang hirap. Ang lalo pang kinalulungkot ko ay pareho silang napakagaling sa sining nila. Sa art nila. Nakita ko ang mga litratong kinuha nila, ang gaganda. At dahil ako'y medyo creative rin, parang may koneksyon ako sa kanila. Dito ako na-inspire na gumawa ng kanta tungkol sa pangyayari. Hindi man nila alam na para sa kanila ang kantang ito, pero sana balang araw marinig nila 'to. Mabilis ko lang natapos ang pagsusulat ng kantang 'to. Ang dami talagang salitang naisulat ng lapis ko. Sana 'wag kayong mawalan ng pag-asa, kayong mga naiwang mahal niya sa buhay. Magpakatatag kayo, kaya niyo 'yan.

Magtatagalog ako, pero hindi bisaya.

Marunong akong mag-tagalog. Medyo baluktot man minsan, praktis lang at magiging bihasa ulit ako.
Marunong din akong mag-bisaya. Mas baluktot ang bisaya ko. Nakakaintindi ako, pero hindi na gaanong nakakapag-salita kaya marami nang salitang nakalimutan. Pero kung may marinig akong mag-salita ng bisaya siguradong maiintindihan ko.
Nakaka-miss mag-bisaya, kaso wala akong makausap dito na marunong. Lahat sila nasa kabisayaan. Dito, tagalog lang kapag kasama ko ang mama ko. Kailan kaya ako makakapag-bisaya ulit? Siguro sa disyembre, kapag natuloy ang pagbisita ko doon. Sana hindi ako busy. 'Yung banda ko muna ang uunahin ko. 'Yung musika. Ito 'yung pinakamahal ko e.

Who wants some sleep?

Meeeee!

Seriously. I need a 20-minute nap or something. I'm so tired and I still have so many things to do. Please time, calm down. Haha. On Sunday I will be meeting a friend visiting from London! We're gonna be taking tons of photos. Fun!

By the way, am I the only one reading a book while running? Hahaha. I was running and jogging yesterday and I brought a book with me. I couldn't help it I just had to read something! This book is called "I Wrote This For You" and it's just totally wonderful. I haven't finished it yet but so far, of what I've read, it's amazing. Mesmerizing. Everyone should read this! For once in your lives, give this book a chance!

Auditions and break-ups

Hello, dear diary!
You're my online diary, right? So that means... you're online all the time! Right?! OMG.
Haha lol is this some kind of realisation or something.

So, the auditions! It went so well I thought I was gonna be all awkward and bad but it went well and it was actually the auditionees who were nervous - not meee! Yippie! Haha.
Only 3 were able to come tonight and the others will be coming next week. They're a lot more so I hope we have enough time. There are only two bassist auditioning and one came today. He had the chance to play with us through the whole audition and he was fine with it. I think he had fun. I hope I am right with my instincts, lol. He seemed very nice too, although a little shy but yeah really nice and he understood our jokes, haha. Our bad jokes. Well, actually, they are jokes that are being joked because of me because I simply am... funny? Haha, I dunno, really.

Oh, you know what? I got a cinnamon bun for free today! I was at this café and was going to buy something to eat. I paid for it and all of a sudden the owner was like I'll give you one for free pick which one do you want? I was like oh this one and then she just went away hahah. It was so random but it seldom happens here not in Stockholm at least! Soooo... I've kind of been skipping my exercise the past few days, even the healthy food because I still have some a-little-not-so-healthy food here and I just have to eat them all up I don't want to waste anything and besides I cannot do any exercise (running/jogging/powerwalk) right now because I am still waiting for my training shoes and they're coming this week hopefully.

So, about the guy. I think we're done now. I feel sad about it but at the same relieved because I finally don't have to think about all the drama and feel bad about it. Now I can focus more on my music and everything. : ) Btw, I got my Iwrotethisforyou book today! Can't wait to finally read it !

Good night~!

it was fun in the country

So I was in the country from Sunday to Monday and I got home around 7 tonight.
I have checked my mailbox and had to reply to a bunch of messages.
I have fixed the audition stuff so everything is settled now. We're so psyched to hold this guitarist & bassist audition ~ I wonder who is going to end up as our second guitarist and bassist! I hope they're awesome!

I am really tired. The time is 23:47. I probably need some sleep soon. I got a parcel right at my doorstep today when I got home. It's the IWROTETHISFORYOU booook omg! But... my friend Cam is going to have this one. I can wait for mine, it's on its way and it's okay because I am reading a book right now (Me Before You by Jojo Moyes). So, I have ordered a pair of training shoes now, finally! I have a pair but they are at my Mom's and I don't have time to travel just to get them shoes. I have been training for a week now (yes, I am back on track after all the stress and depression) and I need a pair of training shoes ASAP! I hope they're good and comfy.

So, I am going to meet Cam tomorrow to hand her the IWROTETHISFORYOU book. She's sooo excited right now, haha!

And regarding the guy, well, I can't stand his drama. It feels like he's making up his own problems. Fights and talks and arguments that shouldn't exist because of his drama. I didn't expect him to be like this, to be honest. I really didn't. I thought we're okay now and all of a sudden his bringing up things as if he wants us to have something to fight about? I don't really get it. Screw this. I am so tired. And sad. And tired. This sucks, man.

There is no diet that will do what eating healthy does. Skip the diet. Just eat healthy.

So I've been working out today. I missed it so much. I've been stressed and depressed the past few months and I just didn't have the energy at all. When I woke up this morning I started doing crunches and running and aerobics and all. It felt good. Afterwards, I decided to take a shower then leave for the grocery store. I bought lots of healthy stuff and... it felt good. Haha.

I love avocadoes, I really do. I can eat it whenever, wherever. Haha! It's been quite awhile since I last had apples and yoghurt. The snacks are delicious by the way. Different kinds of nuts. I loved cashew the most, I think.

So uhm nowadays I've only been working and working on music. It's really fun. I feel motivated and I love how my friends show their support and how they say that I've got this thing going and they can't wait to hear more. This truly makes me happy. Thanks, guys.
And oh, I am really happy to share with you, diary, that I was able to finish writing a song real quick because of something I've read about online the past few days. It's tragic but I'm kind of honoured to be writing a song about this. I hope someday that the people/person I'm writing about will hear this song and realise that it's actually about them/her/him.

So before I went to the grocery store, I saw this second hand store so I went in and there were a couple of interesting things. I never buy vinyl records because of the album cover but this time I did. I have never heard of the music but I bought it anyway because the album cover was simply beautiful. It was art. I loved the painting.
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I haven't talked to *him* that often lately and I miss him. Earlier today I suddenly received a message from him and my heart felt like it was jumping or something. I must be happy seeing his name pop up on my chatbox. Tummy feels funny, haha.
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By the way, I've seen this beautiful quote by a man called Neil Gaiman and I loved it so I've been thinking about it a lot and it's so funny because my friend Camille has been talking a lot about this book that she wants so bad and at first I was like OKAAAAY and thought the book cover was beautiful but then I realised... the author was Mister Neil freaking Geiman and I was like zoooomg I this book must be good I gotta have it I'm gonna have it!!! Hahaha. So yes, two books ordered. One for me, one for my friend Camille. Haha!

Tomorrow, I'll be rehearsing with my band. Zaaaawesome!

Videos, people! Videos!

So, here I am sitting and thinking of how fun it is to film stuff. I think that's one reason why I can't remove this app called "videofyme" because it's simply fun and very easy to use.
Sometimes I film very random things and this app is just perfect for it. I also like getting random videos from my friends, haha! I've been receiving random videos from various friends across the globe. It's fun! There's this app called LINE and from there you could actually make short clips and choose the background music that you like.

I've been writing songs today. Been to the grocery store as well. Kitty cat is in my room but I don't want to let him out. He's too cute to leave this room. Stay, kitty. Stay.

Rehearsal Space

So yesterday I went to Odenplan and checked the rehearsal space and it looked great! We girls are so psyched to finally rehearse next week! We've decided to have our rehearsal after 4 PM. I'm really looking forward to play music with the girls and to finally make some music once and for all!
We parted ways but Emma and I decided to walk around and go to a music store but we did not find any downtown. We went to Kulturhuset and checked out music books, magazines and such. She borrowed some stuff. After that we decided to go home. Oh by the way I have to invest my own microphone since they only have drumsets and we have to take our own stuff with us.

I am making some music right now so I'm gonna be busy for a while. See ya!

I wrote this for you

I'm on the train with a friend who told me about this amazing book called I Wrote This For You and I checked it on the internet and I just can't stop thinking about it. No words can express how much amazed I am by this book and I just feel like I really NEED this in my life right now. Those beautiful words are stuck in my head like a disease and OH. MY. GOSH I can't wait to finally have it in my hands! My friend is sleeping over at h place tonight and we're gonna be talking about travelling and stuff. We've been to Espresso House and been talking about random stuff. We had fun. Been to bookstores as well. I wonder what we're going to have for dinner tonight. :-) 

I Cried Not Because The Drumming Was Good But Because It Was Bad. And I Mean, Really BAD.

Uhm, hey diary.

I don't know why but I suddenly remembered crying during a rehearsal while performing my guitar solo on stage because I thought the drum accompaniment was bad (I thought it was toooo slow and sloppy and I was just not impressed at all) and I thought it made my guitar solo sound really terrible and I am really sensitive when it comes to this kind of things. It wasn't just bad, but it was bad enough to make me feel bad and cry. I couldn't help my tears but I carried on playing my solo and my guitar mentor had to interrupt and made me sit down. He talked to me and asked what was wrong, and I told him exactly what I felt. I was still crying while I was telling him all that. The drummer must have noticed my irritation and how upset I was so the next time we played, he did well. I knew I could play my part so well and I just didn't want to mess it up. I just don't like when musicians don't do what they have to do and when they still don't know what they're supposed to know already.
It's just...disappointing.

Valborg and shit

I lol'd at the title of this entry but yeah whatever, haha. So the time is now 00:05.
I spent my Valborg in Skövde. Cooked good food, met new faces, tons of music and had nothing but a good time (oh yeah you know it, Poison)! Haha. I got quite intoxicated. Good thing I kind of noticed it and stopped drinking. I ordered my first drink at the pub (apple cider) but I was not able to finish it because I was feeling weird. My head was aching and my tummy was whining and I felt like puking but I tried my best to not puke because that would be a total disaster, haha. I ordered nachos btw! Yum. So yeah, I met people and it was fun and since most of them were creative people we got to talk about many things. Mostly music though since most of them were musicians. I traveled home and had to rush home to leave my heavy stuff and go and meet the girls immediately. We had our rehearsal at Ullis' place and it was lovely. We had a GREAT time and we thought it was really fun.
We're gonna go check our new rehearsal space since the first one we were supposed to have stopped contacting us and we thought it was so weird and unprofessional. No wonder they lose customers/musicians. It sucks. :-( Anyway let's hope this new rehearsal space is a good one.