Tanghaling tapat.

I wish I could tell him this  but I don't really feel like talking to him right now and I don't think it would be a good idea to do that so I'm just gonna write it down here.

If it wasn't for the drama, I probably would have stayed. But he was being too dramatic, I couldn't take it anymore. Ilang araw akong hindi nakatulog ng maayos kakaisip and I was feeling bad the whole time because he was so distant, and I didn't know what he really wanted, what he had in mind, ayaw na ba niya sa akin, and then suddenly he was saying hurtful things to me. The way he said these things pa made me feel like I was such a bad person and I should stop being me. Or should stop existing. Parang hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema niya. Parang feeling ko hindi lang niya ako mai-diretso pero parang may gusto siyang sabihin. Iniisip ko rin kung ano 'yung gusto niya talagang sabihin na 'yun. Kung may mga gusto pala siyang i-suggest for the better, why not idiretso na lang niya ako at sabihin lahat para hindi nagkakalabuan, hindi ba? Naguluhan na talaga ako. Isa pa, parang feeling ko minsan hindi niya tanggap kung sino ako. 'Yung pagkatao ko. Minsan ewan ko ba pero parang he has something against me. 'Di ko alam kung bakit ganoon ang nararamdaman ko. Ang masakit pa e siya pa, siya pang gustung-gusto ko. Minsan iniisip ko if it has something to do with what we do. With our art? I dunno, really. I mean, he's into poetry and he's undeniably good at it. He knows what he does. He knows his art. I, on the other hand, like poetry but I'm not good at it. I do music and photography. Ito naman ang art ko. Magkaiba man kami ng art e naa-appreciate ko pa rin ng malaki ang art niya and I adore his poetry. I admire him as a poet. And I tried my best to understand him and his ways, you know. Him being a poet, being an artist, being a creative. I just wished he understood me and my ways as well. I can't deny, I liked him a lot. So much. I loved him. Do you think we're not meant for each other, diary? It's sad. Sometimes I'm thinking if it has something to do with his insecurities as well and us being far away from each other? I mean, that could make you feel insecured, right? I know this feeling because I've had a long distance relationship too and I've learned that being strong is the way to go. Trust and communication is crucial, otherwise it won't work. Nasasayangan ako sa amin. The thing we had. To be honest, I've never had a relationship with anyone from where he is. Nahihirapan kasi ako makahanap ng taong compatible kami, lalo na sa mga taga-doon. Walang gaanong nakakaintindi sa akin doon. Walang masyadong ganoon ka-creative o nakakaintindi sa mga arts. Siya 'yung napili ko kasi he was so different, and so cool and so good at what he's doing. He writes beautifully. He uses words like no one does. Parang linalaro lang niya 'yung mga words kasi parang kilala niya silang lahat. Parang lahat sila may pangalan, pinangalanan niya. Anyway, napagod lang talaga ako sa drama and I didn't want to feel bad again, dahil kakagaling ko lang sa phase na 'yun. Parang hindi pa ako ready na maulit muli. Ngayong wala na kami, mag-fo-focus na lang ulit ako sa mga ginagawa ko. Sa music, sa pagsusulat ng mga kanta, sa banda, sa mga kaibigan at mahal ko sa buhay.

Ingat!